One thing I love about life is the constant journey of self-discovery. I am always learning and growing as a person, and this comes with finding out the most lovely things about myself.
I’m being just a leetle sarcastic.
So here’s what I found out about myself this week: I am a chronic worrier.
I used to think I was a pretty peaceful person. I knew that God was in charge of it all and that I was safe, loved, and protected.
Then, I don’t know what happened. I grew up, I guess. And you know what? Grown up cynicism stinks.
I’m apparently highly skilled in self-imposed misery. This past week I was stressing out big time. The end of the semester approacheth and so do the wedding festivities, and then real life, when we have to work jobs and pay rent and then get ready to go back to school in the fall. I don’t do well with stress (another wonderful self-discovery), and I get easily overwhelmed (yet another one). And getting married is just overwhelming and stressful, for a variety of good and bad reasons. So, needless to say, I was in bad shape.
I was to the point where Alex mentioning that he’d like to invite a couple more people made me start to cry. We already sent the invitations! That reminded me that the wedding was expensive, then that we needed to be saving money, then that I didn’t have a summer job, then that I didn’t have time for a summer job before the wedding because I had so much to do, and then that – I have so much to do!
After two or three times of crying whenever wedding plans came up, I got a healthy dose of wisdom from (who else?) my mother.
“Just enjoy it,” she said. “Focus on getting everything for the wedding done and enjoy being a bride.”
I’m a security junkie. The prospect of not having a job gives me heart palpitations. And yet, just enjoying this special moment of my life, the only time of my life I will be a bride, is what I desperately wanted to do.
So, I’m going to do it.
And you know what? I am looking forward to the future so much more. I’m free to enjoy; I’m not constricted by the heavy wool sweater of fear.
This is what makes me realize that fear is one of my biggest faults. Unfortunately it motivates much of what I do. I dress myself out of fear that I’m not good enough. I become clingy and emotional out of fear that I will be alone. I grab the handle of car doors when someone else is driving out of fear that we’ll get in an accident and I’ll go flying through the windshield (this is something Alex likes to tease me about).
Fear is ridiculous. It creates a sick, heavy feeling in your stomach and you do things without really knowing why. You have no time to think or to realize that this is utterly stupid. You have no time to take a moment defiantly walk away from the fear, to throw off that horrendous wool sweater.
When you do, at first there is an empty and panicky feeling, like you’re naked in the middle of a bright room. Fear is sneaky. It makes you think you need it to be safe, to be “practical”. That’s the trap I fall into.
But this week, I am saying enough. I am casting my cares on the Lord, because He cares for me. I am remembering that He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind. I am refusing to throw away special moments in my life out of fear.
Because honestly, folks, ain’t nobody got time fo dat.